Desperation
by MoshiMoshiQueen
Summary: I can’t tell him that I feel desperate. That I feel like my heart is still being ripped from my body. That my soul dies a little bit more every time I see him. It’s like I can’t catch my breath any more. I just…I just want him. Yaoi and smut warning.


This was inspired by a little drabble by desolate butterfly (Insomnia, Chapter 12 of Falling is Like This). Don't own any of it (including Naruto, duh).

My first published attempt at a Naruto fic. Sorry CCS fans. I don't know when I'm going to update.

Warning BoyXBoy. Smut. Angst.

Desperation

By MoshiMoshiQueen

"Characters' Conversations"

oooOOOoo Scene/POV Change oooOOOooo

I can't tell him that I feel desperate. That I feel like my heart is still being ripped from my body. That my soul dies a little bit more every time I see him. It's like I can't catch my breath any more. I can't breath and my lungs burn. I just want to claw away at my body…trying to reach the pain and make it go away. I want to tear at my skin…I want to make myself bleed. I just want…I just want him.

I thought that everything would go back to normal when he returned, but now that he is back I can't seem to look him in the face.

It hurts. I looked into his eyes and all I see is pain. All I see is desolation. My heart lurches. I can't live like this any more.

oooOOOooo

Rain pelted the ground ferociously as lightning splashed across the sky following the angry sounds of the thunder. The clouds were being ripped apart by the drops of moisture and the wind was howling with all of its might.

Everything was shrouded in darkness. Even the moon and stars were dulled by the ravaging storm. It was the perfect night for coldness to seep into ones bones.

Naruto continued to walk slowly through the storm, his hair plastered upon his head and neck. His orange suit wasn't as loud when it was soaked against his body.

His shoulders were held low and his head was bowed. Pain was coursing through his veins and he couldn't get rid of it. He had tried ignoring the feeling. He had tried working himself to death on missions to distract him. He had tried sleeping for days on end. He had tried everything.

Now all he wanted to do was drown out his sorrows in the rain. He wanted the cool droplets to make his body numb and hopefully it would numb the pain in his heart.

He had plastered on a fake smile earlier when he was out with the gang, but here… in the rawness of nature he couldn't pretend any more. He didn't need to lie to himself or anyone else out in the storm. He could just wallow in despair.

He wasn't stupid enough to try self-mutilation again, although he thought about it…. constently. Maybe a few slashes would do him some good…maybe the physical pain could release some of the emotional pain that he was feeling.

He had pictured the burning sensation in his arm as he slashed it with a knife…he swallowed at the thought. It was a temptation he was trying to fight. He wanted so badly to press the metal to his skin and just let the blood flow…the crimson river. He could taste it in his mouth.

He closed his eyes and stopped walking…reminiscing and getting stuck in the moment when he had started cutting himself…imagining and just feeling. He grabbed his arm and held it tightly, slightly rubbing the spot where his use to cut.

He still wondered why he had stopped cutting…he knew that the habit wasn't a healthy one, but it had helped…it had soothed…but the feeling never lasted long. It was fleeting and his fox had healed all of the wounds…no one knew. Burning, the slashing…all of it was so powerful.

He opened his eyes and shook his head. He didn't need to go back to that place. He had managed to dig himself out of the hole a while ago…it was great to close his eyes and remember the feelings, but he couldn't do it again. He couldn't go back to that place.

Looking around, he finally noticed that he had some how wandered into the Uchiha compound. It figured that he would end up to in the place that caused him the most pain. His heart lurched a bit when he looked up and saw a shadow standing in front of a window. There was no one else who would walk in this area but him and…the source of his heartache.

He scratched at his wrist harshly, not quite drawing blood, but causing enough pain to bring his pulse down. He couldn't breath. Sasuke had seen him…had watched him as he was lost in the crimson thoughts.

oooOOOooo

Sasuke still didn't move away from the window as he stared down at the blond. He didn't know what had brought Naruto to his compound in the middle of the night, but the sight mesmerized him. He'd been woken up by a feeling…when he looked outside he had been surprised (although he didn't show it. His face had stayed in the same disinterested expression it always had. Even when people weren't around he didn't want to show emotions…he might just get use to it.) Naruto eyes were locked closed and he was cradling his arm…caressing it in a heinous way…in a way that made him shudder.

He had been avoiding the blond ever since he returned a few months ago. He couldn't face him. He couldn't look him in the eyes…because then Naruto would know…he would know that the only reason he had returned was for him…and not because Naruto was his best friend, but because Sasuke wanted him to be more than that.

It was hard to admit, but he feared rejection. Uchiha's did not get rejected…but with him it was different. He could flock girls by the dozen, but it was different with the blond.

Naruto was the only thing keeping him here and if he didn't returned Sasuke's feelings… he would be lost once again. Uchihas also never admitted to having these stupid emotions and that is why he avoided the fox demon vessel at all costs.

When he had finished his role as an avenger it was natural to come home…it had helped that Naruto was there to drag him back…to drag him away from his brother's dead body…to drag his mind away from destroying their childhood home.

Naruto had brought him back… had helped him punished the people that had caused his clan pain.

Since he had returned he couldn't shake the feeling of desperation out of his system…he didn't know what his place was any more. He didn't know what to do with his life. It was like he had no purpose. He went on missions, but they gave him no pleasure… he knew he was lucky that the old hag hadn't locked him away for eternity…he knew he was lucky that she had listened to Naruto… there is was again. Naruto.

He had helped him again by pleading to the Hokage. She agreed to let Sasuke roam free, but only if he promised to help the village by attending all missions that she assigned him. She was running low on jounin, so he did all of the dirty work. It hadn't bothered him all that much because it kept him away from the blond. It kept his mind concentrating on other things… it also kept his depression at bay.

When Naruto had finally opened his eyes and looked up to the window everything stopped. Sasuke didn't know why he was holding his breath, but he just couldn't let it escape from his lips.

He stood rigidly against the window, never tearing his eyes away from Naruto's. The blonde's form was blurry because of the rain, but he would still see his blue eyes are clear as day. They seemed to pierce his soul.

He couldn't seem to move and neither could Naruto. They just stood there like idiots…. Looking at each other. Finally Sasuke felt his legs move. He was slowly walking out of the room, down the stairs and to his front door. He watched as his hand reached for the doorknob and then twisted it open. Rain poured in and normally this would piss him off, but he ignored it and just stared out into the open.

Naruto probably thought that he had just left and had gone back to bed, because the blond was walking away from his house.

"Naruto," his voice came out with a harsh sound. His throat was still horse from sleeping through his night terrors.

Sasuke watched as his body stiffened and stopped. Rain poured over his body. He turned, his face full of pain. The raven didn't know what to do. He couldn't stop now. He had walked all the way downstairs and had called out for him.

His lips moved, but nothing came out. He didn't know what to say. Please come inside because I love you?

How pathetic. Uchihas were not pathetic human beings. They did not act like lovesick puppies. They were not this needy.

Please come inside… despite the fact that I've been ignoring you for months I want you badly?

That sounded worse.

"Naruto," was all he could manage. If the blond didn't take the hint that he was allowed inside…well then he would just go back to bed.

The blond obviously read between the lines and he walked slowly towards the door. He seemed hesitant and Sasuke couldn't blame him. He had practically shunned him for months…after Naruto had chased him down, dragged him back, and protected him from punishment….way to thank someone, Sasuke…. Not that Uchihas thanked people.

As Naruto walked past him, he shut the door to lock out the storm. Naruto was soaked from head to toe and it was seeping into his carpet.

"We need to get you out of these wet clothes," Sasuke commented.

The blond gave him a confused look as he looked down at himself.

"You are ruining my carpet," Sasuke continued, for some reason he was explaining himself to the dobe.

Without any instruction, Sasuke headed up the stairs and hoped that the blond knew he was supposed to follow him. Sure enough he heard the wet footsteps behind him and cringed. He was going to have to clean the downstairs in the morning. He could not stand messes.

He entered his room and took out a spare shirt and shorts and threw them at Naruto. He pointed to the adjoining bathroom and waited until he heard Naruto shuffling around.

What was he going to do know? Question him? That would involve more talking… Sasuke didn't do talking. This was the most he had said to Naruto since he returned from his 'adventure' as a missing nin.

Naruto opened the door, running a hand through his wet locks. They stopped and stared at each other yet again…both not sure what to do or what to say.

He now wore a pair of Sasuke's dark blue shirt and white shorts. Naruto avoided the raven's look and shifted his weight. He gazed around the room. It was shrouded in darkness, but he could still make out the various forms of bedroom furniture. There were two tall mahogany dressers, a king sized bed, two nightstands, and a desk nestled in the corner. The bed was covered with a black comforter with the Uchiha symbol printed boldly across it. Naruto rolled his yes. Of course Sasuke-teme would put the print on everything he owned. Even the shirt on his back had the symbol across it.

The blonde's eyes roamed across the nearest dresser and he noticed a picture frame standing on it. He squinted and was shocked to see the Team 7 picture…he still had it? After all this time?

"What were you doing outside, dobe?" Sasuke asked a little harshly, snapping Naruto out of his thoughts.

Naruto blinked at his tone and shrugged, "Just ended up here is all. I need some air. I couldn't sleep."

"So you decided to walk in the middle of the storm?"

"So what if I did?" Naruto retorted as his face flushed in anger, "What's it to you? Why do you even care what I do?"

Sasuke turned away from him.

"Well, why do you even care? Why did you even invite me inside your house? You haven't said two words to me since you returned. You've been avoiding me!" Naruto screamed out… it was like the blond couldn't help, but let everything spill out of his mouth.

Naruto grabbed his arm and spun Sasuke around. "Well?"

"Get off, dobe. Now," Sasuke spat out.

"Or else what? You will continue to ignore me? Continue to pretend that I do not even exist?" Naruto said, tears filling his blue eyes, "Why did you even come back with me? This hurts worse then when you were away."

Sasuke was stunned by his words. He couldn't move. There was no turning back now.

Naruto turned away from him this time and Sasuke grabbed his arm.

"If you aren't going to answer any of my questions then I want you to let go of me. Now. I can't stand the silence anymore. It's like I'll disappear in despair. I'll be swallowed up in it. I just can't do it…" Sasuke's lips cut off Naruto's words.

He heatedly pressed them against the blonde's. He couldn't stand it anymore. He needed to taste him. He needed to feel his warmth against him. His body was completely on fire. He tasted Naruto's soul as he dipped his tongue between his lips. He sucked on it lightly as Naruto moaned softly in his mouth.

They fought with their tongues, each desperately holding on to the other and each trying to dominate.

Sasuke felt heat pool in his stomach as he pressed himself closer to Naruto's body. He smelled his scent on the boy and it made him harder. He possessed him.

He pinned him up against the wall and rearranged his legs to let their members press together. Naruto cried out at the contact and Sasuke grunted.

Sasuke tore at Naruto's shirt and ripped it from his chest while he kissed down the blonde's chest. He felt Naruto shutter under him as he grazed against his nipple.

"Sasuke, god Sasuke," the boy cried out, barely able to mouth the words as Sasuke continued nipping.

Sasuke led his mouth from Naruto's chest back up to his mouth and took his lips harshly. He seemed to bruise the blond, but the pain caused Naruto to gasp louder.

Sasuke stopping kissing him and Naruto whimpered. The raven then whispered in his ear, "Tell me."

"Tell me," he repeated hoarsely.

Naruto flushed slightly, but managed to reply, "I want you. Please, Sasuke."

The Uchiha smirked, grabbed Naruto's body, and tossed him to his bed. He reached for the shorts and immediately pulled them away from the blonde's legs.

Naruto laid there helpless. Pleasure was paralyzing him. He could only pant as the raven licked up his legs. He stopped at his hips and nipped at his hipbone. He was so close to Naruto's heat that Naruto bucked.

Smirking, Sasuke blew over Naruto's package, teasing him.

"Don't…don't," Naruto choked, "Don't tease."

"Who said you could talk?" Sasuke asked as he reached into the nightstand near his bed. He pulled out a black cloth and crawled up the bed. (Wonder why Sasuke had that hidden in his drawer anyways? Kinky bastard, gotta love him.)

"Sasuke, no."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, held Naruto down and gagged his mouth. "Naruto, yes. I want you begging for me. I want to sobbing for me."

It was Naruto's turn to narrow his eyes. He mouthed the words, "In your dreams."

"In my dreams and in my reality," Sasuke said as he grabbed Naruto's throbbing member and ran his hand over the tip. Naruto moaned against the gag and let his head back fall back. His eyes rolled back as the raven continued to stroke him. Naruto could practically hear his heart hammering in his chest. He was out of breath, but this time it wasn't about pain it was about pleasure. He was desperate…so desperate.

When Sasuke finally lowered his mouth to cover Naruto's soft head, Naruto screamed against the gag. His hips arched and his hands grabbed at the black comforter.

Sasuke sucked and stroked the member with tongue. He swirled his tongue over the wet slit and closed his eyes. Naruto was mewing now and it was music to his ears.

He felt the blond protest when he removed his lips. Sasuke lifted his hand to his lips and sucked on his own fingers. Naruto's eyes widen a bit as he watched. His blue eyes were filled with uncontrollable lust.

Sasuke removed his digits and slid his fingers over Naruto's tight hole. Naruto continued to pant against the gag, his eyes widening further.

Sasuke teased the hole a bit more before slowly pressing a finger into the heat. Naruto blinked against the instant pain. The raven continued to tease inside the blond for a few minutes before entering a second digit and scissoring them, preparing Naruto.

Naruto mumbled loudly against the gag, half moaning and half whining.

Sasuke looked up at him, wondering what he was trying to communicate. He paused for a moment before removing his fingers and reached for the gag. He removed the cloth and waited for Naruto to catch his breath.

"Why am I the only one naked here?" he whined.

Sasuke lifted a brow and looked down at him. It was true. Sasuke was still fully clothed while Naruto was stark naked upon his bed.

Naruto sat up, wincing a bit and tugged Sasuke's shirt over the raven's head.

Sasuke allowed him to do that much, but stopped the blonde's hand when they reached for Sasuke's shorts.

"I'll do it myself. Turn around, dobe."

Naruto blushed, "Nani??"

"Turn around."

Naruto listened and laid his stomach on the sheets. His adrenaline was pumping through his veins. He knew what was going to happen next, but he didn't know if he was prepared for it.

He heard Sasuke pulling off the rest of his clothes. He heard the drawer open again and a package being ripped open. He then felt a wet digit press into his warmth again.

Naruto gasped in pleasure. It didn't hurt as much this time. It was the anticipation. The blood was flowing throughout his body and heating every pore.

He felt Sasuke enter a second and then third digit. After a few minutes, the fingers were removed and Sasuke slowly pushed his member into Naruto's heat.

Naruto instantly stiffened and cried out. It felt like his ass was being torn in two. He screamed out as Sasuke slid his entire length in. Naruto tried to blink away the tears.

"I know," Sasuke whispered softly, "It will only hurt for a few more moments."

Naruto nodded at this, but didn't believe him. There was nothing worse then this pain.

Sasuke started to move around, he pulled out slowly and then reentered Naruto. He continued this thrusting motion until Naruto relaxed a bit. After a while Naruto began to pant again.

He was moaning the raven's name over and over as Sasuke sped up his movement. Naruto saw stars when his partner hit his prostate.

"FUCK!" he screamed out as his eyes rolled back.

Sasuke smirked above him as he thrust against the spot again.

"Fuck, Sasuke. Fucking damn," Naruto panted out.

"What do you think I'm doing, idiot," Sasuke commented as he pounded into Naruto once again.

Sasuke felt himself reaching his climax, but he wanted to hold on to it a bit longer. He stopped his movements and Naruto squirmed under him, pleading him to continue.

Finally, Sasuke began to move again, this time with more speed and more power then before. Naruto mewed under him and arched into the raven as they both were hitting their breaking point.

Naruto went over first, his seed spilling all over the bed. Sasuke followed, his hot seed splashing into Naruto's heat and down their legs.

Naruto fell against the sheets, not caring that he was lying in his own semen. His body was exhausted. Sasuke laid upon his back and Naruto felt his breath against his skin.

After a few moments past, Sasuke lifted himself up, "We need to clean ourselves, dobe."

"Hm," was all that came out from Naruto's mouth.

"Dobe I'm serious. Get up. I need to clean the bed as well."

Naruto opened his eyes and looked at a very naked Sasuke. He lifted his body up slowly and headed to the bathroom yet again.

Sasuke heard the shower turn on as he removed the soiled comforter. He quickly replaced it with a spare one from his closet before following in Naruto's footsteps and entering the bathroom.

He watched the blond wash away the traces from their activities and he sighed. What were they going to say to each other now?

He opened the shower door and then closed it behind him. Naruto allowed him to slide past him and get under the hot spray of water.

Naruto bit his lip. Were they going to talk about it?

Sasuke closed his eyes and let the water rush over his body. He knew he couldn't just stand there forever.

When he opened his eyes he came face to face with an angry Naruto. He barely had time to react when the blond pounded his fist into his face. The raven fell back against the shower wall, pain rushing to his eye.

"What the fuck!" Sasuke screamed as he cradled his face. He shook his head trying to get rid of the stars that were blinding his eyes, "What the fuck was that for!!!"

He heard the shower door open and then slam shut. When Sasuke got his senses back, he too stormed out of the bathroom.

He reached for the blond and shoved him up against his bedroom wall, "What the fuck was that for?"

Naruto stared at him in defiance, "Because I fucking felt like it. You are a complete dick."

"Explain yourself now!" Sasuke said angry as he harshly slammed Naruto against the wall again. He grabbed a hand full of blond hair and pulled Naruto's head up so they could be eye to eye.

"You are a dick," Naruto screamed, "What don't you understand about that?"

Sasuke growled.

"I fucking brought your sorry ass home! I begged! I fucking begged grandma to save you. And what do I get? Silence. SILENCE for months! Then all of the sudden you want to fuck me into oblivion? What the fuck is wrong with YOU!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, the pain still stinging his left one, "You don't understand."

"You're right! I don't understand!"

"Do you have to be so loud? If you haven't noticed I'm in fucking pain."

"I don't care! I've been in constant pain for the last few months. You've been putting my heart through hell you asshole! I thought you didn't want me! The silence has been killing me. I just wanted to pain to stop. I just wanted it to go away. I was even so desperate that I hurt myself!"

The last comment stopped Sasuke. He left go of the blonde's hair and lowered his eyes to Naruto's right arm…the one he was cradling earlier in the rain.

He grabbed it and lifted it to his mouth. He laid kisses upon it. Naruto tried to rip it from Sasuke's grip, but the raven wouldn't budge.

"Stop," Naruto yelled, tears forming in his eyes, "Don't play with me like this."

Sasuke continued to kiss the arm until Naruto started sobbing hopelessly. He cradling Naruto's head in his hands, "I couldn't face you."

Naruto choked out a last sob as he searched Sasuke's eyes.

"I…I just didn't know how to talk to you. I was lost… I'm still lost. I don't know what to do any more. I have no purpose. I have no goal. I'm nothing right now."

"Sasuke."

"No, let me finish. If I don't finish now…I'll never finish. I couldn't face you, Naruto…because what…what if you didn't return my feelings? I couldn't jeopardize our relationship…we are friends. You have always been there for me. Even when I didn't want you to be. I couldn't face rejection. Not when I'm in this state."

"Idiot," Naruto breathed out, "Why did you think I chased you down for years?"

"Friendship or your promise to Sakura."

"You really are an idiot."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed, "You're the idiot, dobe. You didn't realize either."

"How was I supposed to realize you loved me when you've done nothing but avoid me since you returned? You have a weird way of showing affection, Sasuke. First you try to kill me with brute force then you try to kill me with silence."

Sasuke looked away when Naruto said the last comment. He didn't need a reminder.

Naruto put his hand upon Sasuke's swollen cheek, "It doesn't matter anymore. You're here. Let's go back to bed. I'm done talking about it."

"That's a first. You done talking about something," Sasuke lifted his lips a bit in a smile.

"There's always a first time for everything," the blond said as he pulled his lover back to bed.

"That is true for some things, but don't let it get to your head."

Naruto sent him a questioning look.

"You are never going to top me, dobe, so get it out of your head right now. Don't get use to this fucking emotional stuff either. This is the last time I'm explaining myself."

Naruto smirked, "Tisk, tisk. You are so in love with me, Sasuke. Why don't you come here and I can show you how desperate I can really make you."

"Che."

"That's the teme I know and love."

"Baka."

Outside the rain had stopped pounding the earth. The wind was now a soft breeze and the moon finally lifted its face from the thick clouds. The stars twinkled in the darkness as a new day began.

bAuthor's Notesb

I debated about this fic for the longest time. I mean the first part was cold and angst-y and then BAM Naruto and Sasuke have hot sex and then BAM mushiness. This is why I hate writing one-shots. I feel like the developments go too fast, but I do not have time to write a multiple chapter fic…I've all ready started two other Naruto stories that I haven't finished enough to publish. Blah. I hope you liked it though. I stayed up for the last two days working on it. Sorry if there are mistakes here and there, my normal beta reader isn't much of a Naruto/yaoi fan, so I didn't send this to her.

Comments are welcome. Flame if you must, but know that I just ignore them.


End file.
